Are You Lonesome Tonight?
I'm going through a phase in my life where I am second guessing the choices that I have made in the past. I doubt the feelings that I have and I'm fighting with the feelings that are so desperate to come out.
I'm not the same person I was 16 years ago. I am a woman now. A woman with different needs. A women with different desires. A woman who wants. My hobbies and interests have changed. I no longer am the person who on Friday and Saturday night couldn't wait to sit at a bar. I now want to sit in a movie theater. Go to nice dinners. I want to be spontaneous. I want so badly to be me. A new and alive me. A refreshed me. A happy me. I don't want to be lonely anymore.
I have been with the same man for 16 years. Sixteen Years. Almost as long as I had been with my parents. Almost half of my life. As much as I love this man - I'm lonesome. We never had that knock your sock off kind of love. It was more of a teenager infatuation. Two people who have grown up together. We aren't on the same level anymore. We haven't been for a long while. We are not happy around each other anymore. Last year almost to the exact day - I asked him for some time. I asked him to leave the house for a little while. I explained to him that I am so desperately unhappy. I need to figure out what it is I want. He left tearful, upset, hurt and broken hearted. I thought a lot about our future together and our past. How it would feel if weren't together anymore. I had a flood of mixed emotions. Sadness, Heartache, Confusion & Relief. And Hate. I hated myself for doing this to him and my kids. I felt selfish to top it off. How selfish of me to deprive my children of their father. He came by everyday to see the kids which made it harder on me. After a week the whole thing was pointless. He spent more time at home than where he was staying. Out of guilt and because I do love him. He moved back in. Things were good for awhile. We tried new things. He helped me around the house. We didn't fight and it was almost as if we were dating again. When summer ended and my kids went back to school our everyday regimen started to take over. Homework had to be done, dinner had to be made & kids needed to be watched. Like before, he went downstairs to watch TV. and I was upstairs doing what every mother does. Taking care of the "Family". Only. who's taking care of me?
One year has come and gone and life is what it always was. I don't know if it's in the summer air or if my heart is just deeply unhappy. But those achy feelings are back. I keep thinking is this what marriage is all about? Loneliness. Constant wonder of what's out there that I'm not apart of. I know he loves me. To the bottom of his heart as I do him. But, is that enough? When you have nothing in common. When you speak to each other only an hour or two a day. When you do speak you aren't on the same level, is love enough?
Honestly I don't see myself growing old with him.
I feel as though I'm wasting away.